BooksBNimble, Ebook Publishing

The quasi-honest, always hungry star of Tony Dunbar’s Tubby Dubonnet series passed by yesterday to answer a few important questions, like where to eat in New Orleans and what happens if an officer of the court unexpectedly falls into possession of a gym bag of money.

The hilarious series is now online here. Be sure to get it while it’s hot!

Oh, boy, let’s go:

Tubby, you’re quite the gourmand. What are your three favorite New Orleans foods?

Since you called me a gourmand I can’t say debris fries from Bruno’s Bar. Let’s see. I would never want to be without an oyster loaf from Casamento’s, macaroni and cheese from Rocky and Carlo’s, or baked Alaska from Antoine’s. That counts as one, right? Number two would be trout meuniere from Mandina’s, with some fried chicken from Mrs. Chase and bananas Foster from almost anywhere. And number three…

Wait, wait…!

I gotta stop? I haven’t even got to po-boys.

This is supposed to be a quick interview. I admire the way you go all out for your clients. What’s your philosophy on that?

My philosophy is never screw a client, pardon my expression but you told me to talk fast, and never lie to the judge. I always go all out, but I really get motivated when I get paid. Who’s your lawyer?

You really throw yourself into your work and yet you seem to get tired of it every now and then. What’s up with that?

Spend a day in Civil District Court and you wouldn’t ask that question. Or read some Fifth Circuit mineral rights opinions, which fortunately I don’t have to do much anymore. But Jesus. . . Listen, I know you told me not to be serious, but being a lawyer is no romp in the river. People have these problems. It’s a lot of responsibility. Hey, pass me that glass, will ya’?

What would you rather be than a lawyer?

Drew Brees. But I hurt my knee in high school. Like everybody else. I used to want to be a Federal Judge, but it didn’t play out because of some of my, how should I say it, views, which is just as well because I don’t have the patience for it. How about being a thriller writer like you? I’d like that.

What are you having for lunch today?

Now we’re back to the po-boys. I’m taking Cherrylynn, who runs my office, over to Domilise’s for a shrimp po-boy, dressed, and a Barq’s. You can’t beat the food in this town.

Sam Spade had kind of a different feeling about partnership than you seem to–he felt if somebody killed his partner, he had to do something about it, although he didn’t have a problem with stealing said partner’s wife. What’s your view on that?

I don’t know what you mean about “different.” If someone hurt my partner – I don’t have a partner now but I used to – Reggie, but he disappeared – I would try really hard to find out who was behind it and see they got justice. His wife has done all right. I guess I don’t know what you’re getting at. Next question.

Well, I just thought you might be able to shed some light on Reggie’s disappearance. But never mind, back to food. How long do you feel a Friday lunch should last? Should it be at Galatoire’s or do you have another fave? How many drinks should be consumed and what should one order?

I’ll tell you something. There is nothing better than spending an afternoon at Galatoire’s, and I’ve done some damage there with the soufflé potatoes and the crabmeat Sardou and maybe too many Old Fashioneds. They make a good drink. I’d say the same thing about Clancy’s uptown. Honest people. They make everything in the world seem just about right. But you know what? Get you some crawfish or crabs and a little ice chest with some beer or wine and you go out to the lakefront, or over to the Fly, grab a blanket and you’ve got everything you need to make this world a happy place.

Now that you’re happy, let me ask you this. When should a lawyer bend the law and how much? Especially if a gym bag of money is involved? Is there a finders-keepers law?

You’ve been reading my mail. Here’s what I think. I don’t think a lawyer can ever “bend” the law. But it’s a lawyer who wrote the law, and a lawyer who interprets the law, and a lawyer who decides the law. Think about it.

Thinking’s too much trouble. Are there any great new restaurants in New Orleans I should know about?

A good one just closed ‘cause no one knew where it was. Saltwater Grill up at Riverbend. You know it’s hard to find a bad meal in New Orleans. I had a nice salad with fried oysters last night at Mike’s on the Avenue down by Lafayette Square. I hate to mention this, because it might get too crowded, but you ought to make the lunch buffet next Friday at Dooky Chase. It’ll knock you out.

Any idea how Raisin Partlow got his name? Or Mudbug ?? — hmm–I forget Mudbug’s last name.

I hung that name on Raisin because, you know, he’s got those dark and rugged looks, and women think he’s really handsome. Then they get to know him, but what the hell. That was a long time ago, and it stuck. He doesn’t like people to know his real name. You don’t know Monster Mudbug? He rides that totally illegal crawfish pot float with those girls hopping around, throwing crawfish into the crowds, in half the Mardi Gras parades. He’ll be in Thoth or Tucks, whatever. He’s definitely a crowd pleaser. I’d better not tell you his name either.

Who’s your favorite client? (Or your least favorite?) Or both?

I thought this was supposed to be a short interview. I’ve had clients who tried to whitewash their crimes through me, and it would have made my day to call the U.S. Attorney on them, but that’s not something I can do. Not if I’m their lawyer. Rules are rules. But I saw them get what they deserved. And my favorite client of all time may be the Praline Lady who waited every day outside of Parish Prison for her godson to come out. She paid me in pralines. [Tubby laughed here and reached for the glass.] I see her still from time to time and guess what. Now she charges me two bucks for a pecan praline. But you know what? All that stuff is privileged. I’m still a working lawyer. And I really can’t talk about it. Is that about it? I gotta run.